i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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