He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My breasts were aching with rage.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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