Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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