I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
ok first of all what the fuck
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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