Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
