dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Randomize
