We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
