remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We don't watch enough power rangers
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
