This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
