Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Of course I have a pirate flag
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
