woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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