She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
