I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
