Apparently you make a good broom.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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