Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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