Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
