she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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