I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
