I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
