I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
