i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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