New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
