that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
