I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
