You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
