i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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