My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
