this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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