I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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