I feel like abortions should bother me more
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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