just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize