If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
sarcasm needs its own font
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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