So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
