I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
