Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
