HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
