I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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