My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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