I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
