I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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