Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
