This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
