Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
