He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
