Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
