I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
