I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
