ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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