...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
