my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
