the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
