how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We have started to decorate penises.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
