I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
