I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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