My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
