Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
